however, this pen-on-paper moment.

these marks of ink that sunk into my heart defined a season for me. 

it's been a wild year. 

i celebrated a birthday just a little over a month ago. 

and i've been overwhelmed by how much i have yet to grow. 

there are times, yes, when it seems like there's so much pain and so little progress.

i have been under the knife of the steady hand of the Father over the last months. 

when i think i've come so far, it is then when i am reminded of my insufficiency. 

i am not enough. 

i have not reached my max capacity of goodness (as if you can cap infinity). 

i am still broken open, singing through the wailing, dancing through the uncertainty, learning to invite the Presence of the Lover into my every moment of every day. 

oh, but i am overwhelmed. 

undone. 

completely unraveled. 

melting in the goodness. 

so much goodness. 

oh, Father. 

so much goodness. 

...

i think the words that i write, the songs that i sing. 

are never a product of just one moment. 

i think who i am in this moment is a revealing of a lifetime of process. 

i am always in the becoming. 

i am always in the growing. 

the ground has just been broken, the seed has only been planted, the roots have so far to journey in the garden of the Father. 

here's my heart. 

in the moment. 

you woo me through the hurting.
i know it's true.
when i wander too far, it's the wounded parts of me that remember how desperately i need your loving.
and here you find me.
your love so wild there's never a too far to recapture me.
my affections are turning on you.

there's a constant awareness.
this restless presence.
you're always here.

in my night you shine like starlight from a million miles away.
yet what seems so far is really my reality.
you're not locked up in the heavens.
you walk earth beside me.

you know what soul inside flesh feels like.
you have lived my humanity.
you, the glorious one, felt the knife of rejection.
rejected by your chosen ones.

you have felt the hunger of the hopeless.
the thirst of the oppressed.
you loved in the depths of betrayal.
you forgave in the midst of false accusations.
you gave yourself away freely.
there was no holding back 

it is not in your nature to withhold.
you cannot love half-heartedly.

in a world consumed by self-gratification.
yours is a love that is lost in givenness.

this battle of trust in the depths of my longing.
to surrender is the climax of intimacy.
you heal my heart through the storms of suffering.
i find grace in the rest of your gentleness.

i can trust you.
i know that full well.
you are everything.
i have fullness, even if i posses nothing, if i have you.

i'm drowning in this mystery.
pressing all in as you call me.
your love so overwhelming.
i'm lost in your infinity.

you've told me from the very beginning,
as your Father arms cradled me.
i was born for Heaven beauty.
greatness inside humility.
victory inside surrender.
honor inside serving.
receiving inside the giving.

you knew what pain it would take to shape me.
you risked it all to take me
exactly where you knew i should be.

i thank you for your sovereignty.
heaven knows you know exactly what your'e doing.
now i resurrect in my awakening.

your breath my lifeline. my sanity.
wonder overtakes me.
the supernatural invades my vacancy.

here i am. all yours.
take me. 

open wound

bind it 

heal it 

mend it 

clean it

wash it

wrap it

comfort 

soothe it

i feel the sting. 

pull away

but it hurts. 

don't press in. 

the deep open flesh. 

i'd rather it not be touched. 

show me

tell me

maybe

convince me

it needs the binding

all that breaking

deep breath. 

i can hide it. 

it's just pain. 

pain can be manipulated. 

just convince yourself. 

it isn't real. 

silence

all the bleeding. 

the red rawness. 

that lifesource

spilling through the abrasion. 

press in

make me

open 

i feel the wind blow over me. 

i wish it could blow through me.

right in the middle

of my open-wound heart.

i wish i could feel the freshness. the coolness. 

spill over the teared up. 

like cold water on a bleeding cut. 

but you need to see it. 

but you need to face it. 

but you need to say it. 

to speak it. 

everything you're afraid of. 

[ until you have the courage to face your pain.  

   you will never be given the authority to defeat it. ]

pain? what pain. 

i can watch the lie

break the skin of my heart.

i can watch the fragile

begin to tear open.

that oh-too-convinced shadow

of a girl that has for far too long believed it. 

you will never be worthy of love. 

you will never be close to enough. 

you will never fill the emptiness of 

the loneliness that has crippled what's left of your heart. 

breathe out. 

they're like words that tear through you.

that wind. 

the breaks into the crux of your heart. 

here. let me love you. 

let me bind up all your hurt. 

let me serve you. and show you.

all the care you're worthy of.

too tired? just rest now. 

i'll hold the weight of your world.

me? don't worry. 

i'm fine. okay. it's all good. 

but please. 

don't thank me. 

it's my honor to love your heart. 

my hurt? it's not here now. 

let me fix your broken first. 

maybe one day. 

i'll be brave 

to let someone come love me too. 

it's the cancer of the giver. 

the leprosy of the lover.

maybe if you need me, you'll love me. 

maybe if you love me, you'll stay. 

but i'm the never okay.

the broken no glue can mend.

why me.

in all this full earth to love.

why love me. 

- - - 

i've learned. 

there are questions that only the broken up, messed up, wrecked up rawness of life can answer. 

doubts that only walking through the grip of death can cure. 

truths that sink only after the storm has settled. 

there's a nearness that is felt only after you have become aware. 

you see. 

i have found the answer. 

there is no good reason. 

to the 'why me'. 

because the real truth is. 

i am not enough. 

i am sin-stained, scarred by my failures, mocked by my pride.

i'm torn open and often wounded. 

my shame is great because there is no beauty in my self righteousness. 

but there's a hope locked up in a truth sealed with a promise. 

i was made by love

through love

because of love

for love. 

i am sustained by love

healed by love

saved by love

for the sake of love.

it was love that fought for me.

love that chased after me.

it was love that won me. 

so that love itself can be poured out over me. 

so love itself can pour out through me.

so Love Himself can become my identity. 

it is love that presses into the wound. 

so that grace can mend it. 

it is love that defeats the lie with truth. 

so that hope can settle in. 

i have no need to prove myself. 

because i cannot. 

His love-bled-out did it for me. 

my pride can die. 

i will never satisfy. 

but Your love in me is my more than enough. 

You are forever

my always enough.

i wonder what our hearts would sound like if they were songs. 

can you imagine. 

an entire heaven dancing to the rhythms of our breathing lungs. 

goodness. 

this madness. 

the beauty. 

of this gift we call life. 

to share in your Presence. 

to share in your suffering. 

to share in your wonder. 

to share in your love. 

i've learned a lot of things recently. 

about the Father, but really about myself. 

it's funny how i'll live all my days in this fragile body and barely know the skin that cradles my heartbeat. 

you know me better than i know myself. 

it hits me deep sometimes. 

you know what i'm feeling before i can even make sense of it. 

and you just sit there. you listen. 

you listen to me. you pursue me. you chase me. 

as if you never even knew me at all. 

as if you were trying to discover the depths of me. 

as if you were trying to uncover the secrets of my heart. 

that kind of love. 

so wild. 

you want to learn me all over again. 

and when we're done, 

we start from the beginning. 

so you won't miss a thing. 

no. 

you don't miss a thing. 

there's something about you. 

something about the way you love me. 

it leaves me undone. 

i crawled the whole earth hoping to fill the emptiness. 

of a vacancy that could only be filled by your heart. 

i was made for a heaven kind of communion. 

i was woven for an intimate kind of relation. 

i know. 

i know that no one could ever replace you. 

i'd never want anything to even dare come close. 

forgive me for forgetting. 

that you are enough. 

it can be scary

when you begin to believe you're walking alone. 

but there's never a moment when i'm abandoned

because your heart is my home. 

you know what i need. 

you know what i want. 

and you care. 

the smallest detail matters to you. 

my every longing. 

is important to your Father heart. 

when i laugh, you smile. i hear you humming to the love songs we sing together. 

every day. 

our story just gets more intricately beautiful. 

a constant finding. 

a constant seeking. 

the more i press in. the more you draw me. 

goodness. 

it's like an eternity is just beginning inside of me. 

when i look at you. 

i know. 

you are the reason i am existing. 

i want to spend every day learning. 

how to love the way you've loved me. 

and i'm still deep in the process. 

of learning about trusting. 

it can be hard- and you know. 

when so many lesser loves left me. 

but you stand with me. patiently. 

until i'm ready. 

so take me where you're going. 

lead me deeper into all you are. 

i don't want it if you're not in it. 

i just want you. 

i don't want it if you're not in it. 

i just want you. 

sometimes i sit here. 

thinking of all the things i'd want to say. 

all the things that are buried so deep inside me. 

i wonder if i'll ever find words to exhale all my thoughts. 

my world seems so still now. 

i'm watching the steam dance from my peach green tea in my snowman mug. 

the ground is soaked from the heavy rains outside. 

the trees are resting now that the winds have passed. 

another year has come and gone.

and i look back. 

almost afraid to see. 

almost afraid to remember all that this year has given me. 

i breathe it all in. 

how in heaven's name was i strong enough

to come out alive. 

i think i was supposed to shatter. 

i think all the sorrow was supposed to break me. 

i think i was supposed to get lost in my undone. 

because where would i be. who would i be. 

if i didn't learn.

if i didn't learn to love when every last piece of my strung up heart was broken. 

if i didn't learn to give so unconditioned. 

to pour so relentlessly. 

to pursue with such passion. 

who i would be. 

if i wasn't brought to my knees a million times over again.
if i didn't find you in the moments when i was on the floor. unable to breathe because of the pain. 

if i didn't learn to trust you when you told me i was made to be a wholehearted lover. 

i was born to pour until i'm empty. just so i can be filled to overflow. 

i look back. 

this time unafraid. 

because all this. 

it made me. 

i wouldn't take a moment of my wrecked up year back. 

i'm grateful. 

i'm grateful for the sweetness. 

for the moments of laughter and dancing. 

for friendships that blossomed and flourished. 

for other relationships that burned out and died. 

i'm grateful for the intimacy entangled in every moment. 

for the ways you loved me so deeply when i needed it most. 

i am stronger. 

i am stronger because i learned to sing with tears streaming down my face. 

i am stronger because i learned to love with bleeding hands and a broken heart. 

i am stronger because i chose to pursue even when it all seemed hopeless. 

i am stronger because i chose to seek the authentic life. and surrender my need for a perfect life. 

i am stronger because i was hurt but still mended the wounds of my accuser. 

i am stronger because i was misunderstood but, even then,  i fell deeper into grace. 

i am stronger because i found a new song in my being. 

this. 

this is the messy. the process. the unraveling. the becoming. the finding. 

this is my humanity. 

to feel pain is to know you are human. 

dead things don't cry. 

i've cried an ocean of tears. 

but i never stopped dancing to the love song you're singing over me. 

and i can say thank you. 

thank you for believing i was strong enough to not take the easy road. 

thank you for bringing me into the wild. 

thank you for breaking me. 

so all the beauty inside can seap through the cracks. 

thank you for knowing all that i was born to do. 

and pushing me- beyond all imagination- to live into that. 

thank you for never leaving me. 

thank you for forever choosing me. 

thank you for endlessly loving me. 

thank you that this adventure is but beginning. 

Father. 

i love you. 

i remember every precious moment with you. 

every memory that is cradled tenderly somewhere deep inside. 

i linger on to every sacred stillness. 

i hold on to every blessed silence where tongues were mute but our eyes were screaming. 

i've learned to read into your breathing. 

i've learned to listen to the words your mouth may not say, but your heart will never stop singing. 

you've known me forever. 

you were convinced from the birth of my existence. 

and now i, too, rediscover what has always been familiar to my soul. 

i was woven by this intimacy, for this intimacy. 

your intention is relation. 

your passion is communion. 

i was created a wholehearted lover, by a wholehearted lover 

it runs through my veins. 

i can't run out. 

because you don't run out. 

no one can put out a fire that you ignited. 

your heart is too beautiful. 

i can't look away.

to breathe, is to inhale the very oxygen from your lungs.  

to exist, is to be dependent. to lean into arms much stronger than my own. 

lifesource. to never love is to never live. 

there is a receiving in the giving. 

in losing myself, i find you. 

in the emptiness, there is a fullness that floods in. 

there is a hallowed gift in the sacrificing of self. 

there are parts of me that only learn to live once they've chosen to die.

...

i feel it.
a deep smile.
you look at me.

you dont even know how much i love you. 
you dont even know how much im in love with you. 

i've become used to an earthly kind of love.
conditioned.
i've become used to trying to be enough.
performance.
but your love is different.

i don't have to hide.
you see.
i don't have to pretend.
you know everything.
i don't have to fake it.
you understand.
i don't have to be okay.
you listen.
i don't have to be afraid.
you stay.
i don't have to be ashamed.
you forgive.
i don't have to have it all together.
because you hold it all together for me.

i've learned.
that there's only one voice that defines me.
and you say everything will be okay.
i can dance because you're singing over me.
i can smile because your laughter fills me.
i can grieve because you weep with me.
i can be confident. that i am who you say i am.

i was born to defy against the well known standards.
i was born to be reckless. radical. different.
because when heaven invades earth. it's supernatural.
my story is a testimony. and i won't stop singing.

and the enemy will regret every attack he makes on me.
because what he means to hurt me. will heal me.
what he means to break me. will make me.
what he means to haunt me. will hold me.
what he means to destroy me. will strengthen me.

deep down.
i have found a new confidence.
i  can  freefall
because i know you'll catch me.

you say
baby, are you ready. 
will you go where i am leading. 
do you trust in me completely. 
i am calling. will you listen. 

it doesn't matter where you take me.
i know wonder will carry me.
it doesn't matter where i'm going.
as long as i'm there with you.
i'm not afraid of what i may be losing.
because in you, i have everything.

empty handed. but full hearted.
maybe broken. but never forgotten.
this is just the beginning of my undone.
i've made up my mind.
and there's no going back now.

<3

i open my hands. 

gently, i trace the lines that have sunk into my fragile skin. 

they're worn out. tired. heavily used. 

it's like every unique pattern of my fingerprint tells a different story. 

i feel the coarse edges of my broken flesh cry. 

they want to be noticed. 

they demand their legends be heard. 

breathe 

my scars stay silent. 

they need not call attention to themselves. 

the piercing eyes of their mockers already haunt the fading beauty of my worn out hands. 

r e g r e t 

it's as if we've been taught. 

that the more we loath our failures, the more virtuous we become. 

it's as if the fine discipline of self-hatred has become the substitute of love. 

maybe if we spend our whole lives chasing this false humility, our deepest secrets will be overlooked. 

let it sink in. 

no use hiding. there's nowhere to go. 

until you've learned to accept the face in the mirror that glares back at all your brokenness, you will never know what it truly means to love. 

we've become so used to trying to mend our imperfections, and run from our emptiness, and hide all our not-enoughness. 

it's not about screaming your testimony from the mountain tops.

it's become the hiding of the messiness of your legacy so maybe. just maybe. all of earth will never know. 

maybe. just maybe. 

no one will know. 

that you are one broken heart. 

what's the use. 

if all of heaven. 

already knows. 

that no matter how hard you try to hold the pieces together. 

you're still a blessed wreck. 

and no matter how hard you try to paint your hurting with a forged smile. 

you're still collapsing. 

regret is the curse of an enemy who will spend his last breath trying to convince you that you are not good enough. 

regret is the bitter taste that lingers in your soul when you refuse to receive joy. 

regret is the resentment that boils in your blood.
maybe forgiving yourself is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. 

but if you never learn to surrender to the gift of mercy, you'll never be given the grace to be the giver of such love. 

yes.

life is about giving. 

and pouring. 

and serving. 

and sacrificing the deepest parts of our existence. 

but receiving is a different kind of giving.

surrendering to the tender love of another is a different kind of humility. 

learning to rejoice in your sacred chaos is a different kind of strength. 

we are not made for perfection. 

our brokenness is the most beautiful things about us. 

it's our existence. 

it's our humanity. 

it's our gift. 

because in this life we were promised pain. 

and in the pain we were promised healing. 

and my Father said that there's no love without the pain. 

so, Child. 

maybe it's time you lift your head up. 

maybe it's time you let the tears burn and the wounds sting. 

it's time you surrender to the healing. 

and if you never have the courage to face your deepest fear

you will never be given the authority to defeat it. 

i need to learn to love you. 

something. 

somehow. 

needs to teach my stubborn soul how to kill self. 

how to make room. 

for the one who is broken. 

my broken is a vessel. 

pieces of old wood. 

that can become a shelter. 

for one who needs it most. 

even if you try to set me on fire. 

i'll be a roof that shelters you while i burn. 

even if you try to drown me. 

i'll be a raft that carries you until i sink. 

you can come up 

with every excuse under the sun. 

of why i should let you go. 

but i won't.

real love does not know how to give up. 

this love was never taught how to relent. 

you can give me

enough reasons to fill up an ocean.

of why i shouldn't say another word.

but i won't stop loving you. 

i won't stop carrying you. 

i won't stop loving you. 

be the thorn in my side, 

i'll learn to care for you. 

to mend you as i bleed. 

be the scars on my hand, 

i'll be proud of you. 

i'll display all the things through which we've been. 

because you don't know how to love yourself

i'll do it for you. 

until you can stand on your own two feet. 

because you don't know how to let someone care for you, 

i'll push my way in. 

this love. 

is Heaven's love. 

you couldn't stop me even if you tried. 

this song. 

is Heaven's song. 

you couldn't shut me up if you tried. 

this pursuit. 

is Heaven's pursuit. 

darling, just get lost inside. 

i've chosen to love you. 

forever i'll love you. 

there's no way out 

of this promise i've made you. 

and i'll be here until my goodbye. 

i'm poured out as water. 

what have i done. 

where have i failed. 

i give wholeheartedly. 

only to be shattered wholeheartedly. 

i try to breathe. 

but there's no more oxygen left. 

there's no time to self-protect. 

there's no more time to prove who's right and who's wrong. 

what even is love. 

what did you mean when you said "love one another". 

what joke have we invented to feebly pretend that the profound sacredness of givenness does not exist. 

i want to know. 

i want to know what it means to love. 

i don't care how much it'll hurt me. 

i don't care how wounded i'll become. 

let the scars pile on me. 

i want to know

what it means to love. 

pursuit. 

you are pursuit. 

you are in conception, in life, in death, in glory, in sorrow, in betrayal, in hope. 

you are chasing. relentless. 

you don't give up. 

i feel my strength bleed out of me. 

it will take all that i have. 

it will take all that is left of me. 

to forgive. 

to relent revenge. 

and receive mercy. 

pour it over me. 

pour into me the grace that will replace my oxygen.

pour into me the mercy that will run through my veins like life. 

i need to know what it means to love. 

there is no love without the pain. 

my existence is proof of your givinness. 

i am worth nothing. 

yet somehow you gave everything for me. 

i learn from you. 

i learn to love from you. 

i learn to mend from you. 

you are healing. 

you will teach me. 

you will teach me what it means to break open, and stretch out my arms, and pour out my deep into the hands that have cut me. 

to love is sacrifice. 

but giving is receiving. 

and there is no better gift than this- 

to live kingdom by living grace. 

to live kingdom by living mercy. 

to be kingdom by choosing love. 

oh the deep, deep love of jesus

it sings over me. 

you have loved me like this. you have loved me like this. 

you love me like this. 

i, too, will love like this. 

because it's worth it. 

if my shatteredness can bring wholeness to even one soul, 

i have won the world. 

if my emptiness can bring fullness into one existence, 

i have been given my full share. 

i was born to bring healing. 

i was born to give and pour and share and forgive and cry and weep with the hurting and laugh and dance with the hoping. 

i was given the love of a thousand angels 

so i may love this world back together again. 

you told me to bear my cross. 

to crucify self. 

and embody a new being. 

so i'll follow you. 

i'll walk in your footsteps. 

i'll surrender to the wooden beam and i won't resist the nails that pierce. 

i'll love those who hold the rod that hit me. 

i'll bless those who mock me as i bleed. 

because you did. for me. 

and in the end. love is victorious. 

i do not fight in humiliation or defeat. 

i do not struggle and wrestle only to fail. 

you have promised joy in the midst of every battle. 

and that joy swells my being with hope. 

and like a beautiful exchange, the beauty will return to me. 

the gift of grace will rain over me with a downpour. 

heaven is invading earth in every tender act of mercy. 

and i won't stop getting lost in this wild love, 

until i reach home in heaven with you. 

<3

i write it on the fragile skin of my arms.
the words bleed into my veins.
the ink sinks into the depths of me.

it is not my right to understand.
true faith is surrender.
let love break you open and heal you.

god does not owe me an explanation.

how can i love when it hurts the most.
how can i be kingdom in the fullness of my weakness.
when i feel most alone.
most forgotten.
most overpowered.

how do i love with my one broken heart.
how do i love in my brokenness.
through my brokenness.

how do i surrender myself to let You use the very thing that hurts me the most to become my deepest healing.
how in all of good heavens do i love right now.

how do i trust that any good will come out of this blessed wreck. this holy mess. this sacred chaos.

blessed wreck
holy mess
sacred chaos

you count me worthy.
you find me 'worth it'.
this is my answer.

i am worthy of this suffering because i am worthy of the fruit and treasure this pain will bear.
you haven't given up.

that's why you still fight for me.
that's why you bother to bother at all.
because there's something there.
something in me.
something in my future.
something in the depths of my existence.
worth fighting for.

i am worth the pain.
                                                                              good grief.
                                                                              that's it.
i am worth the pain.
both our pain. all this pain.

blessed wreck
holy mess

sacred chaos

balm on a raw wound stings.
mending is only possible through the pain of each piercing stitch.
you never cause unnecessary pain.
you never waste anything- especially suffering.
the heart which you discipline is considered blessed. the soul which feels the piercing liberation of your correction is the most gifted of all.
this is not wrath.
this is mercy.
this is not anger.
this is grace.

there's no point in asking why.
i must stop seeking a way out of my brokenness.
i must stop comparing my pain to the path i think i should be journeying.

i will love you. 

i was born to love you.
i breathe to love you.
and i will live to love you.
even unto death

there's no disconnect you can't reconnect.
there's no distance you won't close in on.
there's no empty you will leave unfilled. 

i breathe it in. 

i breathe in this hope. 

you are redefining clarity. 

maybe it's not always about understanding. 

maybe it's just believing that suffering is always pregnant with miracle. 

maybe the [sacred] chaos doesn't always make sense. 

because You haven't finished painting the canvas of my existence. 

there's still work to be done. 

...there's still work to be done. 

i close my eyes. 

my arms sing it with confidence. 

let love break you open and heal you

there it is. 

my skin is stained with those words written in my sloppy, uncreative, midnight scribbles. 

but i'm beginning to believe it. 

the words are dissolving into my bloodstream. 

they've reached my aching, pumping heart. 

there's no use in understanding

if it only blinds you to truly believing. 

last time i checked, faith moves mountains. 

i'll let You blindfold me and lead me into the great unknown. 

where all i have left to hold on to 

is Your gentle yet leading hand. 

blessed wreck

holy mess

sacred chaos 

 

i'm beginning to accept the silence. 

to get used to the nothing. 

to the emptiness that is never disrupted by the sound waves of the same three songs that somehow seem to wreck me a bit more every time i hear them. 

i'm getting used to the 'not knowing'. the 'not connected'. the 'what if i dont even exist anymore'. 

i dont know if it's a good getting used to. 

maybe it's a little bit of the both good and bad. 

silence 

my candles are silent. 

they try hard to comfort me. 

they try hard to make me feel safe. 

to make the strangeness seem familiar.

the wax is melting silently beneath the faithful flicker. 

surrender 

it gives itself away. it allows itself to be used up. so maybe i'll crack a weak smile. 

each candle has its own rhythm. 

it's working. 

i feel comforted. 

they carry a presence. a promise. 

giving is healing. 

lending love is the only way you'll ever get it back. 

sowing grace is the only way you'll reap a harvest of kindness. the only way you'll experience the miracle of a Heaven that breaks itself wide open to rain mercy. 

i close my eyes. 

my orchard is dry. 

my fruit has been swallowed by the wilderness sun. 

the cracks in the parched dirt seem to cry out against me. 

where there is no breaking. there is no sowing. where there is no tending. there is no reaping. where there is no reaping. there is no giving. 

eyes open. 

i look down. 

my hands look tired. 

they want to be held. 

but they're afraid of getting broken. 

they're afraid Someone will let go. 

sigh

i grab my journal 

s c r i b b l e     s c r i b b l e 

words are my healing. 

the pen can say all the things my tongue doesnt know how. 

the ink memorizes my every thought and repeats them on the page over and over again. 

silence

strange thing. 

how words written down are silent. 

how you can write an infinity on paper and no one would ever know. 

but i know. 

...

but You know. 

what is pain. 

i want to ask You this. but You seem to want to dig deeper. 

i resist. 

but the question is fighting my shield of self-protection. it wants to be asked. 

i relent. 

okay. 

what is 'to be alone'. 

| is true dying being forgotten | 

You nudge my soul. 

You tug my heartstrings. 

You look up into my eyes and gaze straight into the galaxy of my mind. 

straight into the cosmos chaos of my tangled up soul. 

i feel You. 

pressing me to give in and let go.

letting go is different than giving up, child. 

oh, is it? 

strange thing. 

maybe if you learn to surrender you'll be ready to receive. 

i squirm. 

You have a way. a way of making all the deep in me surface to the top. 

but it doesnt want to be seen. 

it wants to hide in isolation. 

i s o l a t i o n 

no, child. i have a way of making the broken in you learn what it means to be loved. 

i was never meant to be alone. 

perfect is always a performance. 

because the authentic is always messy. 

but the messy is always real. 

and the real is always beautiful. 

letting yourself be loved is a different sort of giving. it's the giving of your vulnerability. it's the giving of the rawness that feels safer when untouched. when you let your hurt be seen, it heals. 

giving. 

to give. to be given. to be given to givenness. 

to pour and pour and pour until all of you is empty. 

then will you be full. 

i smile. 

and i mean it too. 

You smile back at me. 

see, child. it's not all that hard.

You reach out your hand. 

Your palms are closed. there's something hidden in the middle of your gentle fist. 

i look up. 

                                                           { childlike joy. wonder }

' what's inside? ' 

your miracle. 

You smile. 

but you must first reach out. open your hand. brave the emptiness. let go. and surrender to the receiving of My gift. 

brave the emptiness. 

it rings in my soul. 

brave the emptiness. 

brave the 'what if all my love is never deserving of being loved'. 

i reach out. 

open my hand. 

and dare to experience the surrendering. 

Your anything is greater than my nothingness. 

the edge of Your garment holds more power than the universes combined. 

the faintest whisper of You can gather up my nothingness and create preciousness. 

let me love you. 

let me reach into the places that are craving to be touched. 

let me take you into the vulnerable of the uncomfortable so you can taste the sweetness of the nearness. 

receive my miracle. 

you place your precious gift in my shattered up hands. 

the sweet exchange. 

my nothing. for your everything. 

my emptiness. for your fullness. 

i smile. 

You smile. 

welcome to love, child. 

- - - 

even in the silence. 

i feel it coming. 

deep in my bones. 

in the depths of my deep. 

in the hidden. in the longing. in the waiting. 

my miracle. 

it's on its way. 

your promise. 

it's on its way. 

your "every good and perfect gift". 

like a rain cloud in the distance ready to shower my life with a storm of passion and gentle grace. 

i know it. 

my miracle. 

it's coming.

i look up.

a reflection in a dirty mirror.

foggy and unclear.

fingerprints staining the glass.

as if someone wanted to get on the other side.

as if someone wanted to touch the soul in the reflection.

i want to look away.

but i can't.

i stare.

i stare straight into the eyes.

that pierce back at me.

this is you.

this is now.

this is reality.

not a fairytale

not a dream.

not a nightmare.

real.

breathe it in.

breathe in the pain.

breathe in the hurt.

let every tear burn your cheeks 

to remind you.

that you can't run away.

i stare.

can't move.

won't breathe.

what if i shatter.

if i dare blink.

what if i break.

if i try to wipe the tears that fall off my cheek.

why does it hurt so much.

why 

does 

it 

asdlkjfhlas

hurt

so

much

to

lose

what

i

love

i breathe.

silence.

i stare.

stone cold.

"this is how deeply you can love"

a voice.

so small

a whisper.

so faint

i almost miss it.

"this is the depths of your love. the core of your existence."

i have never felt this before.

i have never felt this kind of agony.

no, i think.

this is different

this is not my strength

this is my weakness.

this is what will break me.

this is what will shatter every bone.

this is what will steal every breath in my lungs.

what will murder my heartbeat.

"your beauty is your heart. your heart is your love. your love is your existence." 

what if.

what if.

what if.

i choke on my own thoughts.

what if this pain can teach me

what i've been missing all along.

what if i never loved this deeply

because i never knew how.

i close my eyes.

breathe

i say i love you.

i say you are my everything.

i call you my Lover.

i call you my Friend.

i call you Father and Beauty.

i call you my "because".

but yet.

it has never hurt this much to leave you.

it has never hurt this much to turn my back away.

it has never hurt this much to betray you.

it has never hurt this much to forget to stay.

you

you brought me here.

not to tease me.

not to mock me.

not to shatter me.

not to break me.

not to curse me.

not to haunt me.

not to shame me.

but to teach me.

how  to  love.

how to love like this.

infinitely.

unconditionally.

seeing no wrong

and holding on to every right.

because that's how you love me.

that's how you hold me.

that's how you made me.

that's how you adore me.

hold me

hold me

hold me

take me back to the beginning.

teach me all over again.

all over again, Abba.

how to love like you.

how to be. with you.

how to stay. to exist. 

to breathe every breath with you.

call me child again.

call me beautiful again.

call me beloved again.

remind me.

of all the places we've been.

of all the adventures we've had.

of all the meadows we've danced through.

of all the stars we've gazed at together.

take me back.

and keep me there.

forever.

because when i am with you.

i love eternally.

when i am in you.

your heart becomes my existence. 

<3

you hold our whole universe in your hand.

like a pile of fragile petals.

my whole universe.

like a weak and helpless rose.

you could leave at any moment.

you could drop me at any moment.

you could turn your face away at any moment.

you could decide i am worth nothing.

you could decide i am no longer worth loving.

you could decide that all my failure has shattered me beyond repair.

you could break me.

you could unravel me with your very breath.

you could let go.

but you don't.

you don't turn away for even a moment.

your eyes are fixed on me.

your gaze is set on your beloved.

you watch me with delight

as a mother watches her sleeping infant.

you love me with passion

as a groom adores his bride.

you care for me with utter selflessness

as a father who gives up his life for his child.

you still find me worthy.

you value me at an infinite price.

you count me worthy of dying for.

of fighting for.

of waiting for.

of chasing down.

of pursuing.

your relentless pursuit.

your wild love.

your radical passion.

who am i to deserve such love.

my failures mock me.

my shame cripples me.

disgrace hangs over my head with humiliation.

i am not worthy of your love.

i am not worthy of you adoration.

yet still i crave it.

yet still the depths of my soul long for it.

you are my oxygen.

you are my lifeline.

the core of who i am knows i was meant for you.

i was born to be yours.

i exist to be with you.

every breath is a cry for intimacy with you.

every heartbeat longs for the arms of my lover.

you are.

you are my universe.

and i am yours.

and i know i never have to fear 

for your kindness holds me.

you never let go.

you don't let go.

you won't let go

...of me.