journal scribbles

8:50 PM

and these are the words that happen behind the scenes of a messy, vulnerable, yet painfully beautiful journey with the Spirit of the Lord...

Father has been teaching me the gift of moments savored not shared. 
in a world that is obsessed with defining a moment by exposing it to the world, there is a sacredness in the hiddenness of beauty. 

however, this pen-on-paper moment.
these marks of ink that sunk into my heart defined a season for me. 

it's been a wild year. 
i celebrated a birthday just a little over a month ago. 
and i've been overwhelmed by how much i have yet to grow. 
there are times, yes, when it seems like there's so much pain and so little progress.
i have been under the knife of the steady hand of the Father over the last months. 
when i think i've come so far, it is then when i am reminded of my insufficiency. 
i am not enough. 
i have not reached my max capacity of goodness (as if you can cap infinity). 
i am still broken open, singing through the wailing, dancing through the uncertainty, learning to invite the Presence of the Lover into my every moment of every day. 

oh, but i am overwhelmed. 
completely unraveled. 
melting in the goodness. 
so much goodness. 
oh, Father. 
so much goodness. 


i think the words that i write, the songs that i sing. 
are never a product of just one moment. 
i think who i am in this moment is a revealing of a lifetime of process. 
i am always in the becoming. 
i am always in the growing. 
the ground has just been broken, the seed has only been planted, the roots have so far to journey in the garden of the Father. 

here's my heart. 
in the moment. 

it’s like everything around me was bursting open with the fullness of His goodness and it’s His tenderness and gentleness and quietness and steady patience that brands in me the truth of my identity and i felt as if today layers of my false identity died as the depths of my being that just yearn for Him were resurrected. all in all in all in. i want all in. i want You all the time, everywhere, in everything, all my life. i think i’m at the breaking point of my capacity to hold His beauty. Father, expand my ability to hold what you’re pouring into my being.

i invite you to invade every aspect of my existence. i give you access to take control over every area of my life. i want our communion to be always. i want to be so connected. so connected that the whole world knows who comes first. that You come first. i want to experience life all in. i only have one life to live on this earth and i'm not wasting it. i'm done wasting it. i want You. every second of every hour of every day for a lifetime. i want you in every moment for my whole lifetime. i want you, just you, all you, only you, forever you. if i have you i don't need anything and i have you so i have everything. Holy Spirit, come invade my atmospheres. move in me. fill me. pour over me. into me. until i overflow. all my life- overflow. 

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  1. People change - one day and especially one year!

  2. Growth is beautiful and it can be painful sometimes to see you have so far to go. I understand that (: Keep striving.

  3. Such beautiful words describing your time with Jesus! I am your neighbor at Modest Mom link-up, and it was so nice to "meet" you! Many blessings to you in your continued journey with our dear Lord.

  4. When our lives are filled with God and he is at the front of all, in all, that is all we need. Everything else is the cherry on top.

  5. Thank you for sharing this.

    New Post -

  6. Gorgeous.

  7. dear Ashley this is absolutely enchanting read

    i feel overwhelmed by your long for Lord !

    how blessed and fortunate of you to have such appetite for his love and presence in age in which we all are lost in worldly distractions mostly
    tears in my eyes i envy depth and strength of your powerful "want " for him as i understood it after my thirties
    i understood that all i see is just illusion and mortal including my weak being ,all my desire for world and it's belonging faded away and deep inside my soul i felt only one mighty feeling "my longing for Lord"
    it turned me into a spirit lighter than any feather which floats within universe in search for him and sometimes is rewarded with feeling that i am in his lap !
    wishing you continual of blessed life ahead!


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