i will give you the treasures of the darkness and the hoards in secret places, 

that you may know that it is i, the lord, the god of israel, who call you by your name. 

i call you by your name, i name you, though you do not know me. i am the lord, and there is no other, besides me there is no god; 

i equip you though you do not know me.  

isaiah 45 : 3-4

oh, but the treasures of the darkness. 

the mysteries of the unknown. where there is no life without trust.

because there comes a time where i have to surrender to the truth that i cannot lead myself & i must go where you go. 

i thought i had learned what it meant to be undone. 

all these years of unraveling and the broken open and i always wondered how hearts still beat when they're under the knife of the surgeon. 

but here i am.

being cut into and i feel all my heartstrings being readjusted because i have grown to love everything i am not meant to have. 

i remember you once told me that you're a jealous lover. 

i was made to be loved by all of you and you won't share any part of me. 

you strip me of everything i love the most until you become what i love the most. 

maybe there really is no growing without the pruning. 

the going deeper cannot happen without the ground breaking. 

the roots sink and the earth opens to let the life out. 

you bled open to let the love out. 

can i stay here for a moment. 

so i can learn once more how to breathe. 

you still me. hush me. 

oh heart,  s t o p   r e s i s t i n g 

if i would only learn that you're my everything. 

[ i feel you touch my open wounds, and i come undone. 

   if i'm out of focus, should i orbit your love. ] 

you show me the gifts in the secret places. 

the beauty in the hidden. 

all that messy work where no one sees. 

all my life i thought i had to be okay. 

if i can keep it all together, no one will see the broken parts of me? 

i think you waited for me to figure it out on my own...

no one can hide their humanity. 

but you're drawn to what i'm desperate to conceal. 

where there's work to be done, there's more room for love. 

if i had it all together, there would be no more space for you. 

i am full when i am empty. 

because it is then when i see my need for you. 

but it's the hard lesson to learn. 

that life is not a performance but a process. 

i cannot earn love. 

life isn't about not feeling alone but finding a way to make others feel known. 

the best way to spend yourself is full given.

given when your heart is broken.
given when your bucket is full.
given in the wilderness or in lands flowing with milk and honey.

maybe what really matters is that we find ourselves in dying to ourselves.

however, this pen-on-paper moment.

these marks of ink that sunk into my heart defined a season for me. 

it's been a wild year. 

i celebrated a birthday just a little over a month ago. 

and i've been overwhelmed by how much i have yet to grow. 

there are times, yes, when it seems like there's so much pain and so little progress.

i have been under the knife of the steady hand of the Father over the last months. 

when i think i've come so far, it is then when i am reminded of my insufficiency. 

i am not enough. 

i have not reached my max capacity of goodness (as if you can cap infinity). 

i am still broken open, singing through the wailing, dancing through the uncertainty, learning to invite the Presence of the Lover into my every moment of every day. 

oh, but i am overwhelmed. 

undone. 

completely unraveled. 

melting in the goodness. 

so much goodness. 

oh, Father. 

so much goodness. 

...

i think the words that i write, the songs that i sing. 

are never a product of just one moment. 

i think who i am in this moment is a revealing of a lifetime of process. 

i am always in the becoming. 

i am always in the growing. 

the ground has just been broken, the seed has only been planted, the roots have so far to journey in the garden of the Father. 

here's my heart. 

in the moment. 

you woo me through the hurting.
i know it's true.
when i wander too far, it's the wounded parts of me that remember how desperately i need your loving.
and here you find me.
your love so wild there's never a too far to recapture me.
my affections are turning on you.

there's a constant awareness.
this restless presence.
you're always here.

in my night you shine like starlight from a million miles away.
yet what seems so far is really my reality.
you're not locked up in the heavens.
you walk earth beside me.

you know what soul inside flesh feels like.
you have lived my humanity.
you, the glorious one, felt the knife of rejection.
rejected by your chosen ones.

you have felt the hunger of the hopeless.
the thirst of the oppressed.
you loved in the depths of betrayal.
you forgave in the midst of false accusations.
you gave yourself away freely.
there was no holding back 

it is not in your nature to withhold.
you cannot love half-heartedly.

in a world consumed by self-gratification.
yours is a love that is lost in givenness.

this battle of trust in the depths of my longing.
to surrender is the climax of intimacy.
you heal my heart through the storms of suffering.
i find grace in the rest of your gentleness.

i can trust you.
i know that full well.
you are everything.
i have fullness, even if i posses nothing, if i have you.

i'm drowning in this mystery.
pressing all in as you call me.
your love so overwhelming.
i'm lost in your infinity.

you've told me from the very beginning,
as your Father arms cradled me.
i was born for Heaven beauty.
greatness inside humility.
victory inside surrender.
honor inside serving.
receiving inside the giving.

you knew what pain it would take to shape me.
you risked it all to take me
exactly where you knew i should be.

i thank you for your sovereignty.
heaven knows you know exactly what your'e doing.
now i resurrect in my awakening.

your breath my lifeline. my sanity.
wonder overtakes me.
the supernatural invades my vacancy.

here i am. all yours.
take me. 

open wound

bind it 

heal it 

mend it 

clean it

wash it

wrap it

comfort 

soothe it

i feel the sting. 

pull away

but it hurts. 

don't press in. 

the deep open flesh. 

i'd rather it not be touched. 

show me

tell me

maybe

convince me

it needs the binding

all that breaking

deep breath. 

i can hide it. 

it's just pain. 

pain can be manipulated. 

just convince yourself. 

it isn't real. 

silence

all the bleeding. 

the red rawness. 

that lifesource

spilling through the abrasion. 

press in

make me

open 

i feel the wind blow over me. 

i wish it could blow through me.

right in the middle

of my open-wound heart.

i wish i could feel the freshness. the coolness. 

spill over the teared up. 

like cold water on a bleeding cut. 

but you need to see it. 

but you need to face it. 

but you need to say it. 

to speak it. 

everything you're afraid of. 

[ until you have the courage to face your pain.  

   you will never be given the authority to defeat it. ]

pain? what pain. 

i can watch the lie

break the skin of my heart.

i can watch the fragile

begin to tear open.

that oh-too-convinced shadow

of a girl that has for far too long believed it. 

you will never be worthy of love. 

you will never be close to enough. 

you will never fill the emptiness of 

the loneliness that has crippled what's left of your heart. 

breathe out. 

they're like words that tear through you.

that wind. 

the breaks into the crux of your heart. 

here. let me love you. 

let me bind up all your hurt. 

let me serve you. and show you.

all the care you're worthy of.

too tired? just rest now. 

i'll hold the weight of your world.

me? don't worry. 

i'm fine. okay. it's all good. 

but please. 

don't thank me. 

it's my honor to love your heart. 

my hurt? it's not here now. 

let me fix your broken first. 

maybe one day. 

i'll be brave 

to let someone come love me too. 

it's the cancer of the giver. 

the leprosy of the lover.

maybe if you need me, you'll love me. 

maybe if you love me, you'll stay. 

but i'm the never okay.

the broken no glue can mend.

why me.

in all this full earth to love.

why love me. 

- - - 

i've learned. 

there are questions that only the broken up, messed up, wrecked up rawness of life can answer. 

doubts that only walking through the grip of death can cure. 

truths that sink only after the storm has settled. 

there's a nearness that is felt only after you have become aware. 

you see. 

i have found the answer. 

there is no good reason. 

to the 'why me'. 

because the real truth is. 

i am not enough. 

i am sin-stained, scarred by my failures, mocked by my pride.

i'm torn open and often wounded. 

my shame is great because there is no beauty in my self righteousness. 

but there's a hope locked up in a truth sealed with a promise. 

i was made by love

through love

because of love

for love. 

i am sustained by love

healed by love

saved by love

for the sake of love.

it was love that fought for me.

love that chased after me.

it was love that won me. 

so that love itself can be poured out over me. 

so love itself can pour out through me.

so Love Himself can become my identity. 

it is love that presses into the wound. 

so that grace can mend it. 

it is love that defeats the lie with truth. 

so that hope can settle in. 

i have no need to prove myself. 

because i cannot. 

His love-bled-out did it for me. 

my pride can die. 

i will never satisfy. 

but Your love in me is my more than enough. 

You are forever

my always enough.