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8:46 AM

sometimes i sit here. 
thinking of all the things i'd want to say. 
all the things that are buried so deep inside me. 
i wonder if i'll ever find words to exhale all my thoughts. 

my world seems so still now. 
i'm watching the steam dance from my peach green tea in my snowman mug. 
the ground is soaked from the heavy rains outside. 
the trees are resting now that the winds have passed. 

another year has come and gone.
and i look back. 
almost afraid to see. 
almost afraid to remember all that this year has given me. 
i breathe it all in. 
how in heaven's name was i strong enough
to come out alive. 

i think i was supposed to shatter. 
i think all the sorrow was supposed to break me. 
i think i was supposed to get lost in my undone. 
because where would i be. who would i be. 
if i didn't learn.

if i didn't learn to love when every last piece of my strung up heart was broken. 
if i didn't learn to give so unconditioned. 
to pour so relentlessly. 
to pursue with such passion. 
who i would be. 
if i wasn't brought to my knees a million times over again.
if i didn't find you in the moments when i was on the floor. unable to breathe because of the pain. 
if i didn't learn to trust you when you told me i was made to be a wholehearted lover. 
i was born to pour until i'm empty. just so i can be filled to overflow. 

i look back. 
this time unafraid. 
because all this. 
it made me. 

i wouldn't take a moment of my wrecked up year back. 
i'm grateful. 
i'm grateful for the sweetness. 
for the moments of laughter and dancing. 
for friendships that blossomed and flourished. 
for other relationships that burned out and died. 
i'm grateful for the intimacy entangled in every moment. 
for the ways you loved me so deeply when i needed it most. 

i am stronger. 
i am stronger because i learned to sing with tears streaming down my face. 
i am stronger because i learned to love with bleeding hands and a broken heart. 
i am stronger because i chose to pursue even when it all seemed hopeless. 
i am stronger because i chose to seek the authentic life. and surrender my need for a perfect life. 
i am stronger because i was hurt but still mended the wounds of my accuser. 
i am stronger because i was misunderstood but, even then,  i fell deeper into grace. 
i am stronger because i found a new song in my being. 

this. 
this is the messy. the process. the unraveling. the becoming. the finding. 
this is my humanity. 
to feel pain is to know you are human. 
dead things don't cry. 
i've cried an ocean of tears. 
but i never stopped dancing to the love song you're singing over me. 

and i can say thank you. 
thank you for believing i was strong enough to not take the easy road. 
thank you for bringing me into the wild. 
thank you for breaking me. 
so all the beauty inside can seap through the cracks. 
thank you for knowing all that i was born to do. 
and pushing me- beyond all imagination- to live into that. 

thank you for never leaving me. 
thank you for forever choosing me. 
thank you for endlessly loving me. 
thank you that this adventure is but beginning. 

Father. 
i love you. 


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16 comments

  1. Beautifully written, I share a lot of your thoughts!!

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  2. <3 So much love for your words ALWAYS.
    Simply Me

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  3. Oh my Ashley, there are a lot of this writing that could be exactly of the year I have had, I am coming out of the dark and looking back I see how all of it was they way it should have been so I could learn and grow stronger in my faith and rest in the knowledge that even when I feel life is out of control, God has it all worked out for my good :) Wishing you a blessed season of the light of Jesus!

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  4. Ah this is so powerful and deeply touching dear Ashly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    my eyes got teary while reading your beautiful highly sensitive poem!

    "i am here to pour until i et empty and to be overflow "

    this is so spiritual and remarkable!

    you are PRECIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  5. I feel like my eyes are slowly opening to some of the blessings God has slipped in with the hardships. It's a process, but to know that He prunes because we bear fruit only so we can be more fruitful in time <3

    I love seeing the world through your words.

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  6. Wonderful poem! You are blessed! Happy Friday, enjoy your weekend!

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  7. "dead things don't cry".... wow. This was amazing, real, and so familiar to me. <3

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  8. wow. thats it. thats all I can possibly say. you are an astonishing writer and your words always give me chills. wow

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  9. Hello,

    Oh, amazing !

    Sarah, https://sarahmodeee.fr

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  10. well written poem. Deeply thoughts.
    have a great weekend

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  11. This is a lovely poem. You have a wonderful way with words.

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  12. Oh God this is so inspiring
    Thanks for another great post darling
    xx

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