existence

9:03 PM

i look up.
a reflection in a dirty mirror.
foggy and unclear.
fingerprints staining the glass.
as if someone wanted to get on the other side.
as if someone wanted to touch the soul in the reflection.

i want to look away.
but i can't.
i stare.
i stare straight into the eyes.
that pierce back at me.

this is you.
this is now.
this is reality.
not a fairytale
not a dream.
not a nightmare.

real.
breathe it in.
breathe in the pain.
breathe in the hurt.
let every tear burn your cheeks 
to remind you.
that you can't run away.

i stare.
can't move.
won't breathe.
what if i shatter.
if i dare blink.
what if i break.
if i try to wipe the tears that fall off my cheek.

why does it hurt so much.
why 
does 
it 
asdlkjfhlas
hurt
so
much
to
lose
what
i
love

i breathe.
silence.
i stare.
stone cold.

"this is how deeply you can love"

a voice.
so small
a whisper.
so faint
i almost miss it.

"this is the depths of your love. the core of your existence."

i have never felt this before.
i have never felt this kind of agony.
no, i think.
this is different
this is not my strength
this is my weakness.

this is what will break me.
this is what will shatter every bone.
this is what will steal every breath in my lungs.
what will murder my heartbeat.

"your beauty is your heart. your heart is your love. your love is your existence." 

what if.
what if.
what if.

i choke on my own thoughts.

what if this pain can teach me
what i've been missing all along.

what if i never loved this deeply
because i never knew how.

i close my eyes.
breathe

i say i love you.
i say you are my everything.
i call you my Lover.
i call you my Friend.
i call you Father and Beauty.
i call you my "because".
but yet.
it has never hurt this much to leave you.
it has never hurt this much to turn my back away.
it has never hurt this much to betray you.
it has never hurt this much to forget to stay.

you
you brought me here.
not to tease me.
not to mock me.
not to shatter me.
not to break me.
not to curse me.
not to haunt me.
not to shame me.

but to teach me.
how  to  love.

how to love like this.
infinitely.
unconditionally.
seeing no wrong
and holding on to every right.

because that's how you love me.
that's how you hold me.
that's how you made me.
that's how you adore me.

hold me
hold me
hold me

take me back to the beginning.
teach me all over again.
all over again, Abba.
how to love like you.
how to be. with you.
how to stay. to exist. 
to breathe every breath with you.

call me child again.
call me beautiful again.
call me beloved again.

remind me.
of all the places we've been.
of all the adventures we've had.
of all the meadows we've danced through.
of all the stars we've gazed at together.

take me back.
and keep me there.
forever.

because when i am with you.
i love eternally.
when i am in you.
your heart becomes my existence. 

<3

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12 comments

  1. Your sufferings are your gift dear one... you’re so loved beyond measure... because Christ’s Love is measureless for YOU.

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  2. Hello, wonderful poem! Thanks for sharing. Enjoy your day!

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  3. Sometimes going through this life we have those times when God feels way too far away, but thankfully he is always there by our side speaking to us if we can just get out of our own head and listen.

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  4. another beautiful writing!! love is a wonderful feeling...loving unconditionally is easy. i hope that love brings you comfort and joy, as it should for everyone!!

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  5. "you
    you brought me here.
    not to tease me.
    not to mock me.
    not to shatter me.
    not to break me.
    not to curse me.
    not to haunt me.
    not to shame me."

    I needed this <3

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  6. You will gain insight and experience of life from this! All the best!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh very interesting and deep darling

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  8. Did you shatter?

    There is an old song that you reminded me of. It goes:

    Let me love you, let me rescue you,
    Let me bring you where two roads meet
    Oh come back above, where there is only love
    And the ground's beneath your feet

    (U2)

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  9. Goodness...your words are going to go down in history <3

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  10. That was beautiful! You really summed up how I feel whenever I feel myself turning away from God. It's so important to realize that He is always there for us and to make Him our number one priority!

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  11. This was so powerful and like honey and at the same time salt to my wounded and healed soul. Wounded because I've felt this same pain just recently, and healed because love wrapped me up when I did. He is always good, our Father.

    Amazing words, Ashley.

    -T. x

    ReplyDelete

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