candlelight

12:24 AM

i stare at my candle. 
gently flickering in the darkness of my room. 
the double wicks have almost burned out. 
with each flicker. 
i wonder which will be the last. 

the fascination of candles. 
they start full. and beautiful. 
and with each burning
the candle seems to melt away to nothingness. 

this candle has been with me. 
night after night. 

it has watched me twirl around my room in worship. 
it has silently burned as i rolled on the floor weeping. 
it has been there as i asked questions in anger and frustration.
it has witnessed my heart in awestruck wonder as i am lost in a vision from heaven.

candlelight.

my gaze is lost in the gentle glow.

i breathe in. 
caramel pear. 

i wonder if my life is like a candle. 
from the first lighting
i slowly fade away. 
flicker by flicker. 
with each tickling of melted wax. 
i lose a part of me. 

why the brokenness. 
why do i have to melt away in order to burn so beautifully. 

the first wick burns out. 
goodbye, my friend. 

how i wish i could take back those hours. 
those hours i wasted just watching it burn. 
it deserved better than burning away to an empty room. 

how i wish i could rewind. 
back to the place it all first started. 
when i struck the first match. 

maybe i'd do better this time. 
maybe i'd make each flame worth its beauty. 

the second wick so bravely burns alone. 
process

i'm lost in the vision of the future. 
the hope i so badly want to believe is true. 
the prophecy i'm aching to reach. 
the promise i know is coming. 

process

but why. 
why. cant. i. go. back. 
why am i stuck

here
right now
in this moment

watching my brave little candle die. 

why cant i start from the beginning
i'd do better
i promise. 
i've learned. 

process

step by step. 
moment by moment. 
he wants my yes. 

not my perfect. 

but i have nothing. 
i'm empty handed
brokenhearted 
soul shattered 

...undone. 

i'm raw
i'm messy
i'm a wreck
i'm tear stained. swollen eyes. choked up. 
i have scars on my arms. and holes in my heart. 

but somehow. 
that's good enough. 
somehow
he doesn't turn away. 

somehow 
he comes closer
until he's so close
i feel his breath on my face
and his eyes lock with mine
until we start taking our breaths together
and slowly he cups my tear stained face in his hands. 
and places a kiss in my messy hair. 

i love you

i crumble.

promise in the process.
beauty in the broken. 
wholeness in the shattered. 
mending in the undone. 

my love is sweeter
my heart is deeper
my arms are stronger
my promises will never be broken
i will never be ashamed 
to call you my daughter

the second wick burns out. 
darkness. 
little sketches of smoke come rising. 
with such grace they float upwards. as if they dance with no mercy for the flames that just breathed their final breath. 

the smoke fades. 

if there's a promise in the process.
and goodness in the broken. 
if there's hope for the wretched.
and love for the wanderer. 
if there's beauty in the chaos.
and wonder in the mess. 

then what is life
if not the undone.

/ with every beauty. 
  there is a loss. 

  with every shooting star. 
  a star must die. 
  with every flickering flame. 
  a candle must willingly melt away. 
  with every wave. 
  there is pain in the crashing of the shore. /

this is my undone. 

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8 comments

  1. Oh wow. I can confidently say that I've never thought of something like this before. But a candle melting away is so poetic and you have done great lines in there.

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  2. My friend. this here is a treasury. Your heart so bare, is beyond beautiful... as you melt away, trusting Christ to increase in you - His beauty melts into you and through you... glad I stopped by... keep processing :))

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  3. There are so many gems in this post, so many beautiful thoughts! I can feel that you are being spoken through and used to touch many hearts. God bless!

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  4. awww, this is wonderful!! so deep and thought provoking!!

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  5. Wow this is beautiful! :) A candle melting away can be symbolic for so many things: time passing by, a relationship ending, but also slowly feeling better when grieving. You really are anointed with the gift of poetry, that's the Holy Spirit in you!

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  6. Isn't it amazing how watching a candle can bring forth so many thoughts, and you say them so perfectly. I often go deep in thought while sitting around a campfire too, it always brings a time when you slow down and just watch the flame and thoughts come pouring in. Isn't it amazing that no matter where we are in our life, God is there to say I love you just as you are, you are mine, I am here!!

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  7. So many emotions in my heart right now! This was a great meditation for me, thank you.

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  8. God's love and patience bleeds through your every word. Amazing!

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