recently, i've been learning how to quiet my restless little heart. 

life is so hectic. 

all the voices that surround me are so loud. 

sometimes it's hard to just be still.

                                   to simply listen. 

i've been learning to search my heart. 

to dig through all the tunnels and dust away at all the corners.

to open my thoughts in a raw, real, messy, honest and vulnerable way.

my personality normally attempts to avoid these sort of moments. 

to find any excuse to keep myself busy.

sometimes silence is terrifying.
facing your deepest fears, emotions, doubts, struggles and failures is intimidating.

but.
i recently realized just how much i need these moments. 

every night i like to scribble away in my journal.
anything and everything.

my struggles that day.
my joys.
moments i felt the Lord speaking to my heart.
my tangled emotions.

however, as i was flipping through the pages of my little notebook
it occurred to me how rarely i take the time to count all my blessings.
on the contrary, i do the opposite.

i found myself writing pages of complaints.
i found myself cultivating a heart of discontent.
i found myself focusing on all that i want yet do not have.

it struck me.
and when i came face to face with this reality, it stung.

because i do not want to indulge myself in a series of "pity parties".
i have not one reason to live a life of ingratitude.
i do not want to habitually engage in negative thinking.

yet. so often i do.

yes.
my life is far from perfect.

i have so many questions.
so many times i wonder "why"
i so often find myself in the midst of pain

but that is no excuse.
nothing could be a good enough reason to excuse my heart from being thankful.
from being grateful.
from realizing just how much i am given yet don't deserve.
from allowing my attitude and behavior to be that of joy. humility. gratitude. and grace.

and i have realized.
just how i wrong i have been.
just how greatly i've failed.
and how. much. more. i have to learn.

goodness.
i have so much to be joyful for.
so much to smile about.

and now i as i continue to journey through life,
i hope to replace a spirit of bitterness
with a mindset of gratitude.

every day now,
i challenge myself to write down a full page of things that i am thankful for.
from the smallest detail like a warm cup of tea. the sound of raindrops. or a beautiful sunrise.
to life.
    grace.
    healing.
    forgiveness.
    salvation.
    hope.
    protection.
 
especially now as the season of thanksgiving approaches, i pray for a change in heart.
i pray for a new perspective that i may be aware of all the goodness bestowed on me daily.
that i may see all the beauty in life.
                          the uniqueness in every day.
                          the gift in every heartbeat.
                       
// and let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. and be thankful. let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. and whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. // ~colossians 3:15-20