9:20 PM


you're frustrated.
and discouraged.
you feel pretty depressed now. 

life isn't all pretty and easy, is it?
all doesn't change for the better at the snap of a finger.
recovery isn't bows and fairy dust.
fighting your ongoing battles is bloody. and painful. and hard. 

i know.
you thought things would get better. not worse.        i know.
you weren't expecting the journey to be this hard.

it takes time.
and we don't like waiting.

it's a paradox. 
recovery hurts. god, it hurts so bad. 
but it's so good. 
healing. relearning to live. letting go. breathing in clean oxygen. releasing all the darkness. 

all the moments when it seems so hopeless. 
all the moments when you feel so helpless.
                                                       so misunderstood. 
when you're in agony. inside and out. 
and you wonder if you'll ever smile again.
if you'll every breathe freely. 

and you doubt. 
you doubt love. you doubt hope. you doubt joy. 

because it just doesn't seem possible. 
every time you life your head, you feel as if the sun is shaming you.
as if the light makes all your wounds sting that much more. 

your tear-stained face. 
your scarred heart. 
your aching body. 
your shattered soul. 

what goodness. 
what peace. 

our my hands are empty. 
       i have nothing to offer. 
nothing but pieces. 
ashes. dust. 
stars that burned out. 
eyes that lost their sparkle. 
a smile that lost its sincerity. 

but if we only knew.
if we could only understand the Father's heart. and not turn our face away when He calls us. 
because He. loves. those. pieces. 

that brokenness that disgusts you. He treasures. 
the mistakes that haunt you. He forgave. and forgot. 
and He is speaking. but are you listening? 

"why do you cry, as if there's nothing left?
aren't you alive, am i not giving you breath?
why do you run, tell me where will you go?
haven't you learned
only my heart is home?"

He loves you.
He wants you.
He will heal you.

don't reject His love.
because that love is real. it was never a lie. it will never abuse your heart. 
trust Him. 
because He's worthy. 


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  1. perhaps you could tell us/me who you are writing about? do you have a frame of reference. maybe your other followers know, but i do not. right now, i consider my life to be easy, i am well cared for and have no worries that sadden me deeply. i had an extremely difficult childhood but my life is so much better now. maybe i'm not following.....i always try to be joyful!

    maybe these are just writing exercises for school??

    1. ms. debbie, thank you so much for commenting!
      my posts really aren't specifically directed to any particular reader.
      often times, my blog is like a journal to me, where i share my heart and lessons i've learned/am learning throughout my own journey.
      as i've walked through some dark times in my life, i find myself battling those memories and losing hope. as i share my heart with my readers, i am in fact writing these posts to myself. <3

      much love!

    2. thanks ashley, i appreciate the reply...your honesty!!! so i too will be honest, i have lived some pretty days in my life, i was sexually abused by my father from age 5 - 13. he also beat me whenever he saw fit. my mother knew of all of this and did nothing to protect me. i made a promise to myself that i would leave that house and never look back. i did that. that part of my life was so painful but i have been able to change this part to be normal and joyful, i have been lucky!!! never loose hope, we have so much power inside ourselves, it is amazing what we can accomplish!!

      i put myself through nursing school, found the man of my dreams and made my life so much better. when my dad passed away, i wasn't able to cry and in my way, i was happy about that!!!

  2. I've had an eating disorder in the past, so I know as no other what it's like to feel this way. But my faith in Jesus is really what has helped me!

  3. This reminds me of Isaiah 61:3, "To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified."


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