u n d o n e

8:30 PM

goodness. 
it's like i fall more in love with you every day. 
i try to close my eyes and think of a moment without you. 
and it paralyzes me. 
i can't imagine what i'd do. 
i can't imagine how i'd make it past a single heartbeat. 
without you being my everything. 

life is wild. 
actually. really my heart is wild. 
i barely understand it.  
sometimes i wonder if those who chase answers to the greatest mysteries of earth 
have ever even solved the great mystery of their own heart. 

i'm beginning to think that the only way i can uncover my own heart
is by discovering your heart in it. 

[ less of me. more of you. ]

the only way to truly find myself
is to find you. 

i know that when i get too confident in my own strength. 
you need to remind me. 
that it's really you who holds my whole world together. 

i feel like i'm learning vulnerability all over again. 
goodness. 
why does it hurt so adkjhfs much when all of the sudden all your weakness is exposed.
what even is that sting in the depths of me when suddenly my messiness is poured right out of me. 

u n f i l t e r e d   m o m e n t s

i can try to contain my life. 
try to withhold everything i hope no one will ever see. 
everything i have no intention of anyone every finding out. 
but you have a different plan. 
clearly.

to truly be known is to be fully exposed. 
and when you are fully exposed then you can truly know love. 
because real love presses into all the broken and sees something worth fighting for. 
something worth chasing. 
real love is unafraid of broken things. 

i know. 
because i've watched you love me over and over again. 
i failed you. 
and it hurts the depths of me. 
to know that i grieved your heart. 
your Father-heart. 
that i wounded the love that bled itself out for me. 

but despite all of my not-enoughness. 
you loved me, even when i was infested with the sin you despise. 
and now you're teaching me. 
not only to give this kind of love. 

but to receive it. 

the humility of receiving is something i have yet to come close to attain. 

why can it feel so easy to pour out but so hard to let someone else love you 

i want it.
Father. 
i want it all. 
everything you're trying to teach me. 
everything you're trying to show me. 
everywhere you're trying to take me. 
i want to be all in. 
i want you and nothing else and no one else and nowhere else. 
but you. 
where you are. 
that's where i want to be. 
with you 
in you
for you 
surrounded by you 
completely overwhelmed by you
completely overtaken and undone and possessed by the essence of your beauty. 

you 

that's it. 
my everything. 
my every moment of every day. 
because i love you. 
and the way you love me..
it just leaves me undone. 


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