i look behind me.

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why doesnt it make sense.
why do i turn around
and glare at my story.
my history.
my breath by breath. moment by moment.
that turned into torn up pages of a torn up story.

so many emotions. i dont even know what to feel.
so much pain. i numbed everything out.
so much darkness. i forgot how to see.

what even is this.
how does a simple song turn everything inside me upside down.
how can a smile shatter me into a million pieces.
how do i manage to make something of beauty
into a masterpiece of chaos.

...

raindrops
pitter patter

diddling away at my piano
i close my eyes

breathe

the darkness of my closed eyelids turns into a beautiful vision.
a hill is golden with the fall of the sun
a gentle wind blows...
the hillside splashed with rows of flowers

full bloom

opening my eyes
i nudge away

but i cant run from it.

full bloom

i try to play a different song.
but it chases me

full bloom

i don't understand.
but i surrender.
because he paints me a picture of a perfect hillside when rain is pounding out my window.
he whispers serenity over me. when i'm restless inside.

i let it settle in.
full bloom

when we let go of a torn up story.
we let go of a shattered identity.
in order for there to be a new. there must have been an old.

there's something that happens when he rewrites that story of ours.
when he gathers up our pieces. and loves us together again.

because he unwinds us.
he unstitches us. thread by thread.
he pours us out completely. and puts a new blood in our veins.

i was thinkin'.
what did it feel like. to live between the ascension and pentecost.
when you knew.
oh you knew the promise.

//  the advocate, the holy spirit, whom the father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything i have said to you. peace i leave with you; my peace i give you. i do not give to you as the world gives. do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. // john 14: 26

the spirit was coming.
the presence was coming.
but not yet.

what is my not yet. 

we now live between pentecost and the descension.
the spirit has come and heaven has kissed earth.
but we only see in part. not in whole.
we wait for kingdom come.
we wait for heaven on earth.

but there is one thing.
we no longer wait for.
one promise.
fulfilled.

spirit.
presence.                              .....full bloom.

inside of me.
there is an energy that keeps my heart beating.
inside of me.
there is a gentle wind that breathes beauty into my lungs.
inside of me.
there's a promise.

and it is in
full. bloom.
its work.
is in full bloom.
its power.
is in full bloom.
its promise.
is in full bloom.

it has not called me to perfection.
for the father does not burden his children with a yoke we could not carry.
it has not called me to save and lead others to repentance.
for we know it is the kindness of christ that leads us into repentance.

no no
spirit has called me
to carry presence.
to give of kingdom by giving of myself.
to worship.
to sing my song.
to give forth beauty.
to speak forth grace.
to prophesy his goodness.
to smile and laugh and live hand in hand with joy.

i was called to a beauty i do not understand.
but i know
that there is a warmth in the arms of the father
there is a peace in the gentle breeze of the spirit
there is a joy in fellowship with jesus
that my beautiful earth could never replace.

so i laugh at the days to come
i smile
at the thought
that i'm not alone.

as i become more undone along this journey i venture
i'm held together
in full bloom.

<3