i will give you the treasures of the darkness and the hoards in secret places, 

that you may know that it is i, the lord, the god of israel, who call you by your name. 

i call you by your name, i name you, though you do not know me. i am the lord, and there is no other, besides me there is no god; 

i equip you though you do not know me.  

isaiah 45 : 3-4

oh, but the treasures of the darkness. 

the mysteries of the unknown. where there is no life without trust.

because there comes a time where i have to surrender to the truth that i cannot lead myself & i must go where you go. 

i thought i had learned what it meant to be undone. 

all these years of unraveling and the broken open and i always wondered how hearts still beat when they're under the knife of the surgeon. 

but here i am.

being cut into and i feel all my heartstrings being readjusted because i have grown to love everything i am not meant to have. 

i remember you once told me that you're a jealous lover. 

i was made to be loved by all of you and you won't share any part of me. 

you strip me of everything i love the most until you become what i love the most. 

maybe there really is no growing without the pruning. 

the going deeper cannot happen without the ground breaking. 

the roots sink and the earth opens to let the life out. 

you bled open to let the love out. 

can i stay here for a moment. 

so i can learn once more how to breathe. 

you still me. hush me. 

oh heart,  s t o p   r e s i s t i n g 

if i would only learn that you're my everything. 

[ i feel you touch my open wounds, and i come undone. 

   if i'm out of focus, should i orbit your love. ] 

you show me the gifts in the secret places. 

the beauty in the hidden. 

all that messy work where no one sees. 

all my life i thought i had to be okay. 

if i can keep it all together, no one will see the broken parts of me? 

i think you waited for me to figure it out on my own...

no one can hide their humanity. 

but you're drawn to what i'm desperate to conceal. 

where there's work to be done, there's more room for love. 

if i had it all together, there would be no more space for you. 

i am full when i am empty. 

because it is then when i see my need for you. 

but it's the hard lesson to learn. 

that life is not a performance but a process. 

i cannot earn love. 

life isn't about not feeling alone but finding a way to make others feel known. 

the best way to spend yourself is full given.

given when your heart is broken.
given when your bucket is full.
given in the wilderness or in lands flowing with milk and honey.

maybe what really matters is that we find ourselves in dying to ourselves.