i write it on the fragile skin of my arms.
the words bleed into my veins.
the ink sinks into the depths of me.

it is not my right to understand.
true faith is surrender.
let love break you open and heal you.

god does not owe me an explanation.

how can i love when it hurts the most.
how can i be kingdom in the fullness of my weakness.
when i feel most alone.
most forgotten.
most overpowered.

how do i love with my one broken heart.
how do i love in my brokenness.
through my brokenness.

how do i surrender myself to let You use the very thing that hurts me the most to become my deepest healing.
how in all of good heavens do i love right now.

how do i trust that any good will come out of this blessed wreck. this holy mess. this sacred chaos.

blessed wreck
holy mess
sacred chaos

you count me worthy.
you find me 'worth it'.
this is my answer.

i am worthy of this suffering because i am worthy of the fruit and treasure this pain will bear.
you haven't given up.

that's why you still fight for me.
that's why you bother to bother at all.
because there's something there.
something in me.
something in my future.
something in the depths of my existence.
worth fighting for.

i am worth the pain.
                                                                              good grief.
                                                                              that's it.
i am worth the pain.
both our pain. all this pain.

blessed wreck
holy mess

sacred chaos

balm on a raw wound stings.
mending is only possible through the pain of each piercing stitch.
you never cause unnecessary pain.
you never waste anything- especially suffering.
the heart which you discipline is considered blessed. the soul which feels the piercing liberation of your correction is the most gifted of all.
this is not wrath.
this is mercy.
this is not anger.
this is grace.

there's no point in asking why.
i must stop seeking a way out of my brokenness.
i must stop comparing my pain to the path i think i should be journeying.

i will love you. 

i was born to love you.
i breathe to love you.
and i will live to love you.
even unto death

there's no disconnect you can't reconnect.
there's no distance you won't close in on.
there's no empty you will leave unfilled. 

i breathe it in. 

i breathe in this hope. 

you are redefining clarity. 

maybe it's not always about understanding. 

maybe it's just believing that suffering is always pregnant with miracle. 

maybe the [sacred] chaos doesn't always make sense. 

because You haven't finished painting the canvas of my existence. 

there's still work to be done. 

...there's still work to be done. 

i close my eyes. 

my arms sing it with confidence. 

let love break you open and heal you

there it is. 

my skin is stained with those words written in my sloppy, uncreative, midnight scribbles. 

but i'm beginning to believe it. 

the words are dissolving into my bloodstream. 

they've reached my aching, pumping heart. 

there's no use in understanding

if it only blinds you to truly believing. 

last time i checked, faith moves mountains. 

i'll let You blindfold me and lead me into the great unknown. 

where all i have left to hold on to 

is Your gentle yet leading hand. 

blessed wreck

holy mess

sacred chaos