no, it's not raining.
i wish it were though.
not because i don't appreciate the sun. or because i deny it's beauty, purpose, and it's magnificence.
but there's just something beautiful about rain.
something 'right'.
something safe.
something familiar.
having grown up in oregon, i cannot say that my life has been deprived of the sound of little raindrops tapping on my window.
but my pluviophile (l o v e r  o f  t h e  r a i n) heart keeps aching for the gloomy days of fall and winter to arrive.
and as i was mindlessly daydreaming while staring outside my sun streaked window, i couldn't help but get carried away wishing, yet again, that it would rain.

my heart is a strange thing.
many times i silently battle, trying so desperately to understand  it.
but often i can't.
i confuse my own emotions and feelings, finding myself yet again on my knees pleading for mercy.
and in those moments, of utter helplessness and being vulnerably undone, He finds me.
so gentle.
so comforting.
so still.
while im tangled in my struggles. suffocating on my tears. He hears me.
                                                                                                       He listens. to every. single. word.
i tell Him. i tell Him everything i'm too terrified to say to anyone else in the whole world.
every fear.
every question.
every little moment that does bring a smile to my face.
i explain every detail that i can make sense of.
and i know He hears me.
and i know He cares.

and suddenly the frustrations melt away.
no, my problems don't magically vanish, but fear miraculously does.
and i am reminded that i can trust Him.
                               that He knows me.
                               that even when i feel so misunderstood, His love understands me.
                               that in those nightmares of feeling so shattered, He's never left my side.

and it feels so safe.
cradled in His presence, everything feels free.
beautiful.
my tear stained face begins to smile.
and just like petrichor, love is felt in the air.
and His presence brings peace to my heart in oceans.